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  Funny Quotes
"Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and have the two as close together as possible."
George Burns

"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."
Victor Borge

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce."
Mark Twain

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
Alex Levine