Welcome To Cool Quotes Home Links Contacts Wednesday, November 4, 2009

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  Funny Quotes
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
Jack Handey

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
Jack Handey

"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."
Jack Handey

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
Jack Handey

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
Mark Twain

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
Jack Handey

"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
Jack Handey

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Groucho Marx

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
Woody Allen

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
Jack Handey