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jack handey quotes
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"