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"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
