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"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."
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"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
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"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."
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"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained."
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"His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and there was hardly a hole in it anywhere."
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"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
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"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
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"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
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"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement."
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"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce."
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