Welcome To Cool Quotes Home Links Contacts Privacy Thursday, April 14, 2011

Welcome to Cool Quotes where you can find funny quotes and quotquotesezil2 --> about humor. Our funny quotes come from many of your favorite authors and are related to a wide range of humorous themes. You can send a funny quotation to a friend or relative by email or suggest a favorite one of your own to be added to our funny quotes database which qualifies you for our quote oquotesweek contest. Winners will have their quotes listed on our homepage. Please feel free to visit the restquotesr website which contains thousands of quotes pertaining to dozens of different quote categories derived from hundreds of famous authors. Enjoy and please come back soon!

Navigation
Quote Categories
Browse Authors
Random Quotes
Submit a Quote
Submitted Quotes

Funny Quotes

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
Jack Handey

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "I am at two with nature."
Woody Allen

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
Woody Allen

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
Woody Allen

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "If its sanity you are after there is no recipe like laughter."
Henry Elliot

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be."
William Hazlitt

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
Mark Twain

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
Sir Francis Bacon

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -- jolted by every pebble in the road."
Henry Ward Beecher

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit."
Aristotle

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
Will Rogers

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins."
Henry Ward Beecher

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
Jack Handey

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
Jack Handey

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
Jack Handey

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"
Jack Handey

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
Jack Handey

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us."
Orison Swett Marden

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "He who laughs, lasts."
Mary Pettibone Poole

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke."
Will Rogers

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."
Will Rogers

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "A great step toward independence is a good humored stomach."
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "A good laugh is sunshine in a house."
William Makepeace Thackeray

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."
Victor Borge

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce."
Mark Twain

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
Alex Levine

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
W C Fields

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
W C Fields

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
George Burns

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
Unknown

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "The only real diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."
Unknown

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh."
Unknown

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
Winston Churchill

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone"
Unknown

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** ** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
Groucho Marx

Popular Pages